Before you read this, please keep in mind to be open-minded. I’m not referring to all Muslims or Arabs! In every community, there is some kind of abuse. I wanted to document it. Pray for change!
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I didn't know what to say when my friend finally confessed that after five long years of marriage, her husband abuses her. She began to address her concerns by constantly reassuring herself that she isn't speaking behind his back and that he is a good husband. She gave me a list of good things he provides for her, which for me were unfortunately a necessity or an obligation that a human being would give to an animal, like food and shelter. Our conversation went back and forth which to me seemed so long and painful. I wanted to document our conversation as I am sure many women would relate and hope that we can change our approaches so that we are not belittled as the many women I know.
" Hey, please don't you think I'm a bad wife. I just need someone to talk to."
" Don't you worry" I said to her.
" I never told anyone this and never will, but you're the first person I thought of. I need to get to it out of my system" It sounded like her throat has been stuffed with pain.
" He speaks of other women in my presence. How my friends are more beautiful. Does your husband do that?" I didn't know what to say.
" Well, what do you mean?" I said.
" He keeps telling me that one of my friends is physically beautiful. That she has A, B AND C. Is it wrong? Does your husband do that?" Again, she asks.
" Well, no. What did you say?"
" Well, it's killing me. Everytime we talk, it seems like an endless battle. I don't feel loved. I'm basically his maid. Once, he grabbed me by my hair because I refused to keep quiet about our relationship and how his family may be the reason we fight a lot since they get involved. He pulled me down the stairs saying that I am never satisfied- that everything he does will never make me happy."
" He told me to get out of the house so I grabbed my daughter and ran out the door assuring him that he will never see me again. He told his brothers that I can leave the house but I couldn't take my daughter with me. I told him that she is mine and that I'm going to to take her. Both of his brothers stood by the door as I begged them to give me daughter back. At last, his parents came home and asked about the problem. I told his parents of the situation."
" Listen, he isn't bad." I could hear her reassuring herself for the 10th time.
" Well, then what happened?" I asked.
" His mother told me that while she was gone, I was to clean, cook and look after his brothers whom were older than me. I did everything she asked even though I didn’t agree. I did it because I loved my husband and didn’t want problems but when her sons complained about me saying that I didn’t cook a proper meal for them, I exploded by telling her that I do what I do out of love for my husband and that I’m not obligated. Do you want to hear what she said to me?”
" She said that she thought she had a good daughter in law and that I disappointed her."
I exploded.
When it began:
- There was more wrong than good and the base core of the issue started long before she was married. She married her husband willingly but with a consequence. She married him to escape from her parents whom,both, very careless about her education( which I believe to be her weapon).
- It began when her mother raised her to think that she must always fall under her husband because she belongs to him. She must learn how to cook and clean to meet the needs of her husband. Her mother taught her that her only way in life is through the kitchen. I’m not saying that we do not have an obligation. Yes, we do. Our duties are divided between our spouses, thus you do have an obligation. An obligation to raise your kids, to feed them, to take care of them but this comes naturally because you work as a team. He has an obligation to respect and support you. He has an obligation to treat you well. He has a responsibility of respecting you and your children because Islam has ordered him. In the following two verses, Allah reminds us of the following:
- "Among His signs is the fact that he has created spouses from among yourselves, so that you may find tranquillity with them; and he has put love and mercy between you. In that are signs for people who reflect."
[Qur’an 30:21]
- They (wives) are garments for you, while you are garments for them."
[Qur’an 2:187]
- I believe that the core issue of our problems is that we are constantly thinking that we must always carry tremendous patience because God has naturally created us patient. I do not agree to that. We become victims because we allow men to think that we must remain patient regardless of the situation because we are weaker by being women. We begin to force ourselves to doubt the abuse because we think that if we are disrespected by our men it is natural since they carry the natural trait of being ill-tempered and we must always be patient. We allow men to disrespect us by allowing it to always happen. Our women think that this isn’t damaging our societies when as a matter of fact, we are doing more. If we continue allowing ourselves to be belittled, our younger sisters will think that it becomes her obligation to be the victim in the relationship and she will think that abuse is the natural part of being married. You must understand that your decisions will also affect the community and our societies.
According to the Quran, men and women have the same spirit, there is no superiority in the spiritual sense between men and women. (Quran 4:1, 7:189, 42:11)
- A lot of women think that we must shower men with gifts even after we are abused as my friend mentioned. She had showered him with gifts even after he humiliated her. You do not reward a person for humiliating you. You must earn respect and have respect for yourself. There is great emphasis in the Quran and Hadith how men should love women and respect them. In the following hadith the prophet informs the husbands:
- “The most perfect in faith amongst believers is he who is best in manners and kindest to his wife.” (Abu Dawud)
- You must know and understand your right and obligations, if you do not understand your rights and obligations, you will forever be a victim.
To the brothers, please remember the following:
Abu Huraira reported Allah's Apostle (PBUH) as saying:
He who believes in Allah and the Hereagyer, if he witnesses any matter he should talk in good terms about it or keep quiet. Act kindly towards women, for a women was created from a rib, and the most crooked part of the rib is its top. If you attempt to straighten it, you will break it, and if you leave it, it’s crookedness will remain there. So act kindly towards women.
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